Danny and the Iran-Iraq Squabble
by Jemascola
Summary: Danny Tanner patches up that pesky Iran-Iraq squabble - albeit in an unintended way.
1. Chapter 1

**Danny and the Iran-Iraq Squabble**

 _ **By Joe**_

 **Summary:** Danny Tanner patches up that pesky Iran-Iraq squabble – albeit in an unintended way.

 **Author Notes:** I do not own _Full House_ , its characters, or any other copyrighted material. I wrote this solely for entertainment purposes and not to make a profit.

The setting of this story is in the first season of _Full House_ – starting in the episode "Half a Love Story." Also, the specific battle of the Iran-Iraq War in which Danny finds himself is ambiguous – although when writing, I was inspired by Operation Karbala-5 and the Second Battle of al-Faw.

 **Chapter 1**

One evening in the Tanner residence in San Francisco, California, Danny Tanner's brother-in-law, Jesse Cochran, went to his room and argued a little with his love interest, Robin Winslow. Danny, who had been sitting with Robin as she practiced speaking for Channel 8 News, found himself quietly sitting between Jesse and Robin on the bed – caught in the middle of their argument. At one point, he made some commentary about one of Jesse's relationships, at which point Jesse snapped, "Get out! Get out. Get out of here."

Danny walked out of the room and said, "Yes, I can leave now." He laughed a little and said, "I'm off now to patch up that pesky Iran-Iraq squabble." He intended it as a joke, but after Jesse closed the door to his room, Danny wondered for a minute. He was usually good at resolving conflicts in his family, so he very well could have a shot at ending the long-lasting Iran-Iraq War. It was worth a shot, at least. And if he succeeded, it would give Channel 8 News incredibly high ratings. Maybe he would even get a promotion.

Danny went to his room, packed his suitcases, and left a note for his family.

* * *

Dear family,

I've realized that my warm, compassionate nature and ability to solve this family's problems can allow me to do bigger and better things for the world. I may go around the world – solving international disputes, and I'm going to give this idea a trial run by trying to end the Iran-Iraq War.

I don't know how long I'll be gone, but hopefully, it won't be too long. Just so you guys know where to find me if needed, I'm going to fly to Kuwait City, Kuwait – and then travel to Basra, Iraq.

Anyway, girls, while I'm gone, obey Uncle Jesse and Joey, stay in school, get good grades, do your chores, and keep the house clean.

Jesse, Joey, take good care of the girls. Jesse, make sure that you don't expose the girls to any naughty music, movies, or people. Make sure they don't stay up past their bedtimes. Joey, don't joke around with the girls too much since they need parental figures and to take their lives seriously.

Anyway, I wish you guys well, and I hope you wish me luck in my new quest to solve the world's problems.

Love,

Danny

* * *

Danny taped the note on the kitchen table, and then, he left for the airport – where he got a plane ticket for Kuwait City, Kuwait.

A few minutes after Danny left, Jesse and Robin came downstairs. Jesse saw the note that Danny left, and his eyes popped open in horror. "Oh no!" he gasped.

"What's the matter?" Robin asked.

"I don't believe this," Jesse said. "Danny just left to use his mediating skills to resolve the Iran-Iraq crisis. I can't believe that he was actually serious about that! I mean, how could a guy like Danny Tanner end a major international war? I mean, sure, Danny's speeches around here are cute, and they work for families with trivial problems like ours, but there's no way in hell a corny guy like him, no offense, could get two ideologically-driven, battle-hardened countries to stop fighting. Not even the U.N. can stop it. Danny's going to get himself killed. I know how it felt to lose Pam – I don't want to lose another family member. We've got to stop Danny before he gets hurt!"

Jesse then called up the stairs. "Girls, get down here! We've got a major family problem!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

After a long flight, Danny finally landed in Kuwait City, Kuwait, and he then rented a car and traveled along Highway 80. Once he reached the Kuwait-Iraq border, he continued along Highway 8 in Iraq – and finally reached Basra, Iraq – where a major offensive was taking place. He saw many tanks and soldiers firing at each other. The enemy soldiers were also screaming angrily in Arabic and Persian at each other, and many Iranian soldiers suddenly dropped dead after some Iraqi soldiers released chemical weapons.

"Oh dear," Danny said. "Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea." Of course, he watched the two sides violently attack each other. The war had already cost a tremendous amount of casualties – and for what? He knew that this had to be stopped.

Danny reluctantly got out of his car and dropped on the desert soil – crawling beneath the barrage of tank rounds, artillery, and bullets. Danny finally reached a burned-out T-72 tank and climbed onto it.

"Uh, hey, guys, can I get your attention, please?" Danny asked. He was utterly ignored – although a few bullets whizzed by him – causing his eyes to pop open. "Guys?" Danny asked meekly – raising his right hand – only for it to get shot.

"OW!" cried Danny – grasping his hand. "Hey, whoever did that, that wasn't very nice!" Danny stared down at his shot hand – and cringed as he saw the bloody wound. Danny crouched down, got off the tank, and sat on the ground – looking around for a first aid station. He finally saw a tent with medical supplies and crawled over to it – his pace slowed by trying to avoid the barrage of rounds – and also suffering from the searing pain in his hand.

As Danny got up, he went into the tent – only to be unable to read the Persian words on the medical supplies. Danny then looked back outside and saw an Iranian soldier loading his rifle.

"Uh, hey, excuse me, do you speak English?" Danny asked.

"I speak some. Who you?" the Iranian asked angrily.

"I, uh…I'm Danny Tanner from Channel 8 News. I cover the sports. Maybe you've seen it," Danny said. The Iranian glared at Danny, who then gulped and said, "Maybe not." He cleared his throat and asked, "So, what are you up to?"

"I kill Iraq scum," the Iranian said.

"Ah, I see," Danny said, looking awkwardly away. He then looked back at the Iranian and saw his dark green uniform, which looked very dirty and stained. "You know, your uniform is really filthy. I've got some detergent that'll clean that right up," smiled Danny.

" _ **WHAT?**_ " growled the Iranian.

Danny shook, gulped, and said, "Never mind." A minute later, Danny cleared his throat and asked, "Why do you hate Iraq? What did Iraq ever do to you?"

"What, _**YOU KIDDING?**_ " roared the Iranian – now staring furiously at Danny, who crouched down. "Iraq started _**WAR**_ against Iran. Iraq _**INVADED**_ Iran. We finish war. We kill Iraq!"

Just then, the Iranian got shot multiple times in the right shoulder – but just grunted slightly. "Damn. Got shot again. Oh well. Must fight," the Iranian said.

Danny's eyes popped open. "You just got shot multiple times, and you just shrug it off? I got shot in the hand, and I can barely even stand up."

"Out of my way – I must kill Iraq scum! For Khomeini! For the Revolution!" shouted the Iranian – firing his gun a few times in the air – and then storming away – knocking down Danny and crushing his shot hand in the process.

"OW-HOW-HOW!" cried Danny – who curled into a fetal position and tightly grasped his badly-injured hand. He felt terrible now. Not only did an Iranian show no interest whatsoever in making peace with Iraq, but Danny's body was badly injured after trying to mediate the conflict. He had only relatively minor injuries but felt awful – yet the Iranian soldier faced much worse injuries on a regular basis but still had the strength to keep fighting. Danny didn't understand how. He felt so bad that he was halfway tempted to go back to San Francisco.

Then, in the distance, Danny saw a number of Iraqi soldiers standing by a tent of their own with medical supplies. Maybe they could help heal Danny, and maybe they would be more receptive to his ideas for peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Danny waited a few minutes before the pain in his body had lessened enough to allow him to crawl under the barrage of rounds again – dragging his hand so as not to put pressure on it in the process – only this time to reach the Iraqi side.

Once in a place of relative safety, Danny heaved himself up and looked down at his sweater. "Oh man, I am not cut out for this kind of life. My sweater is filthy and bloody. I don't see how you guys do this every day," Danny said to three young Iraqi soldiers. They rolled their eyes and turned their attention back to the war – firing mercilessly at the Iranians.

Danny went into the tent and looked at the medical supplies. Thankfully, these supplies had a mix of English and Arabic on them, so Danny was able to find the alcohol. He dabbed some on his hand – and jerked when it stung his whole hand. Danny then bandaged his hand and left the tent to talk with the Iraqis.

Just then, he saw an Iraqi T-72 with a lot of mud caked on it. "Wow, that sure is a dirty tank. I'd better go clean it." Danny went back into the tent with medical supplies and found a towel. Danny went back out to the T-72 and started rubbing the mud off the tank.

"HEY! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" shouted an angry voice from behind Danny. He jumped and turned around and saw what looked like a furious Iraqi general staring at Danny.

"Oh, hi," Danny said. "Your tank looked pretty dirty, so I decided to clean it." He laughed a little but stopped when it was obvious that the Iraqi general was not amused.

The general stormed over. "ANSWER ME – WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

Danny gulped. Even despite Danny being tall, the beefy Iraqi general sure was intimidating – just like the Iranian soldier. "I'm uh…I'm Tanny Danner – I mean Danner Tanny – I mean – "

" _ **WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?**_ " demanded the general.

Danny was now trembling. The general's thunderous voice was terrifying. "Uh…uh…I just thought I'd help try to bring peace to this area."

"Peace? Ha! Those damn Iranians. How DARE they try to export their revolution into Iraq! How DARE they try to overthrow our great leader Saddam. How DARE they threaten the Arab world! Saddam will not let that happen. I will not let that happen. My men will not let that happen. Iran is a disgusting, horrible country that must be stopped!"

"Come on," Danny said – smiling a little and speaking in a gentle, warm voice. "Can't you think of one nice thing to say about the Iranians?"

"Yes," the general said. Danny smiled wider. "Their leader's head would look great on a plaque!" Danny's smile vanished from his face. "Now get out of here! You're interfering with the war effort."

"IRANIANS!" an Iraqi soldier suddenly shouted. "IRANIANS HAVE BREACHED OUR DEFENCES! WE MUST GET THEM!"

Hundreds of Iraqi soldiers scrambled – and started firing rifles in practically every direction.

Danny panicked and got on the ground to avoid getting shot. "Can't you guys just talk this over and get along?" sobbed Danny – all balled up as hundreds of Iraqis stormed toward him – and then trampled all over him.

"GAS MASKS!" the Iraqi general shouted. Danny was so much in pain – and his head was buried in the ground that he couldn't see what was going on, but a few seconds later, he could hardly even breathe. Danny had to get to safety, so he dragged himself as far as he could away from the fighting, and his vision slowly came back.

Danny lay helplessly on the ground and shivered as he heard the thundering of Iraqi and Iranian troops – as well as the firing of tanks, artillery, and rifles – and the furious shouting of the troops. These guys were just not interested in getting along – not even slightly. Maybe this wasn't the right endeavor for Danny. After all, he'd been shot, trampled on, and gassed and could hardly stand it – while the same things barely even fazed the Iraqis and Iranians. Maybe they were just too tough for him.

Still, Danny decided to rest for a while and later make one more attempt at peace. He never gave up on his family at home, so even though the Iraqis and Iranians were much tougher, violent, and ideologically-driven, he hoped that he could get through to them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Danny woke up – and realized that he apparently had fallen asleep. He moved his arms slightly – only for him to yelp in pain. This was a rough war, and Danny hadn't even endured the worst of it. He imagined how the innocent civilians must have felt. Danny knew that he had to try at least one more time to bring peace to the region – even though he wasn't sure how effective that would be.

After forcing himself to get up, Danny trudged toward the area where he saw the most intense fighting. However, he almost had second thoughts when he saw hundreds of Iranians instantly drop dead from the Iraqis' chemical weapons.

"This isn't worth it. I've got a family to take care of. I can't risk my life like this. I was crazy to think that I could mediate this conflict. The whole thing about patching up the Iran-Iraq squabble was just meant as a joke, anyway. I'm going home. I'll just leave the mediating to the U.N."

Danny trudged back to his rental car and sank into the seat. Just as Danny started the car, he panicked when he saw a T-72 coming toward him.

Without thinking, Danny turned around and drove in the opposite direction – driving through a maze of military vehicles before finding himself right in the path of the barrage of tank, artillery, and tank rounds. Seeing all the rounds right in his path was terrifying and overwhelming, and Danny felt like he might not survive. He sank low in his seat – wishing that he had never come to Basra.

Just then, two angry, loud voices shouted in Arabic and Persian, and with that, the fighting stopped. Danny was surprised – but also a bit relieved. On the other hand, he had no idea what was going on.

Suddenly, Danny heard someone just outside the car door shout, "OUT OF THE CAR!" Danny trembled as he sat up, opened the car door, and exited the car. Before him was the Iraqi general with whom he spoke earlier.

"What's going on? Why did you guys stop shooting?" Danny asked.

"Because of you, IDIOT!" the general said. "You're a civilian. We don't want to risk killing you – especially since, quite frankly, we don't know who the hell you are!"

"Why, I'm Danny Tanner," Danny smiled – feeling a little calmer. "I came here because I wanted to bring peace to the area."

A lot of Iraqi and Iranian soldiers angrily shouted – and started firing rifles again – until their commanders ordered them to stop.

"Look, guys, I don't know why you have to fight like this. Why war? Don't you know how many innocent people are killed because of this? Why can't you solve your problems peacefully?" Danny smiled and said, "Now, I want you guys to just lay down your weapons and give each other some big hugs. I'll start." Danny then abruptly hugged the Iraqi general.

"Hug this!" he snapped, who wrestled Danny off him and smacked him in the cheek. As Danny rubbed his stinging cheek, he heard laughter all around him.

"So HE'S the one I heard about – the one that wanted us to say something nice about the Iranians," an Iraqi soldier spoke.

"I heard of him, too," a nearby Iranian soldier said. "I heard he's a clean freak."

"Yeah, he tried to clean one of our tanks," the Iraqi general said.

"And did you hear that mushy voice he talks in?" an Iranian soldier asked – dropping his rifle and approaching the Iraqis. "And that sweater he's wearing?"

Both sides howled in laughter. "Oh man, this guy is such a JOKE!" an Iraqi soldier said. "I mean, he just told us to hug each other!" an Iraqi soldier said.

All the troops erupted in laughter and dropped their weapons. They approached each other and started playfully smacking each other in the back. Danny looked perplexed. He didn't know whether to be happy that the Iraqis and Iranians stopped fighting – or embarrassed that they only stopped because they agreed that he was such a doofus.

"You know, I'll bet this guy even alphabetizes his cleaning supplies!" an Iranian soldier said to some Iraqi soldiers. They all laughed hysterically.

"True, true, so true," an Iraqi soldier said.

"No, no, it's not true!" Danny insisted. "I arrange them by acidity," he mumbled.

"There's no reason we should fight," an Iranian general said – approaching the Iraqi general. "There are so many things in life that we both like. Why battle over petty territorial and ideological differences?"

"You're right," the Iraqi general said.

"You see…that's what I've been trying to tell you guys all along," smiled Danny. "Now, go on. Let's have a big hug – all three of us." Instead, the Iraqi and Iranian generals shoved Danny to the ground and walked off together – laughing their heads off.

Danny just sat in the middle of the desert as the Iraqi and Iranian soldiers packed up their military equipment and headed further inland to their own countries. After he had been left alone for some time, Danny said to himself, "Well, I guess I can go home now." He then got in the rental car and drove back to Kuwait City – and then took a plane back to San Francisco.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Once Danny arrived back in San Francisco, he found his family waiting for him at the airport. Everyone rushed over and hugged Danny.

"Dad, I'm so glad you're home," D.J. said affectionately.

"Me, too," Stephanie said. "I missed you."

"Me, too, Danny," Joey said.

"Michelle missed you, too," Jesse said. "And so did I. Don't you EVER do anything stupid like that again. You could have been killed."

"Yeah, I know. War's a rough thing. I've been shot, trampled on, and gassed. I'll never risk my life by making spur-of-the-moment decisions like that again – and without first discussing them with you guys," Danny said.

"Well, two good things did come out of this at least," Joey said. "The Iran-Iraq War did finally end because of you, and also, most importantly, you're okay."

"Danny, I talked with the manager, and we're both getting promotions," Robin said. "We're both going to be the hosts of Wake Up, San Francisco!" Robin said. "You're also going to be given a special segment and a big party for ending the Iran-Iraq War."

Danny's mouth dropped open in delight. "Wow, that's great!" he said.

"All right, Dad!" D.J. said.

"I'm proud of you, Danny," Jesse said – patting his shoulder.

A week later, Danny and Robin went on the air for the first time as the hosts of Wake Up, San Francisco. They loved their new jobs – although Danny was rather embarrassed when it was revealed that the Iran-Iraq War ended only because the Iraqis and Iranians agreed that he was so corny. Still, although Danny got some occasional teasing, many others gave him praise for ending a major war non-violently. Danny's family was also very proud of him, and Danny was glad that he used his compassionate personality and mediating skills to solve a major conflict.

As a result of successfully ending the Iran-Iraq War, Danny decided to go around the world in his spare time – and help solve other major world conflicts. He was especially happy since his family was now squarely behind his efforts. Danny and his family were happy that he had such a positive impact on the world.

 **The End**


End file.
